Why Fear Doesn’t have to Be a Bad Thing
December 3, 2007
Coming home to a kicked in door and muddy footprints all over my house wasn’t exactly the Monday I’d had in mind.
All week, I had a hard time going home after work. I made sure someone was there first or there to meet me and walk me inside. I didn’t leave after I got there, unless someone was with me. And that someone was usually my boyfriend. Even though he had other things he needed to be doing. He took care of me without complaining, boarding up doors, securing my home, just smiling and kissing my forehead and saying cheerily, “that’s my job!”
And it was great. I felt secure, because I could ignore the fear. Then, Saturday came and he was out of town on business. And maybe it was the dreariness of the day or maybe it was the fear. But I didn’t really leave my house for more than an hour. And I was miserable. Because I was doing basically nothing other than try to ignore the fear. Even though I was perfectly safe and had plenty of things I could do, even at home.
This is the bad kind of fear. The fear that cripples you into inaction when there are things to be done. The fear of the known and of the unknown, somehow combined to keep every awful scenario front of mind, keeping you focused on itself and not all the other wonderful possibilities. The fear that keeps you from doing what’s sensible, what you’re completely capable of doing, for no good reason but the fear.
But, there’s another kind of fear. Or maybe, there’s another response to fear. Because really, it’s usually the same fear you’re dealing with. It’s how you respond to it that makes the difference. This fear says, call the cops right now, and back out of the driveway immediately, because that’s sensible and productive. There’s the fear that tells you to board up the door and head to the hardware store to get new locks and new doors installed, because that will keep you safe. The kind that tells you to have a home security audit and ask the neighbor down the street who works from home to watch your house while you’re at work, because that will give you back your sense of security. The kind that thinks, well, I wanted an excuse for a new iPod Nano with the screen anyway, because that helps you focus on the positive.
This is the good kind of fear. The kind that realizes that yes, the worst can happen but does something to stop it rather than letting it stop you. The kind that pushes you into improvement rather than paralyzing you. The kind that tells you the status quo isn’t good enough and to believe in something better just around the corner.
This kind of fear is valuable, because it keeps you moving, pushing for the best, even though the worst is always possible too. That’s life, after all. But usually, even though this valuable fear is there, speaking into us, it somehow gets overshadowed by the other fear. And no matter how many positive steps we take, we keep focusing on the bad fear. That’s not a good thing.
We will always have fears. It’s how we respond to them that shapes who we are and what we become. No matter what your fear is, don’t let it overcome you. Don’t sit around, caged in, watching fear stare you down. Make it work for you, even if it’s hard to face that beast.
Let the good kind of fear propel you on to the success you’re dreaming of. Turns out, fear doesn’t have to be what you need to be afraid of. Unless it’s what’s holding you back.
What I Would Have Posted This Week: 3 Mini Posts
November 30, 2007
Well, to say it’s been a crazy week would be an understatement. Just getting through real life was tough enough, so time for blogging was more than out of the question. I’ve wanted to write. What about, you ask? Well, I don’t have much time to delve deep, so here are three mini posts I would have blogged if I’d had time. Enjoy!
1. Why Not To Dare Monday, No Matter How Great a Week You Had Previously
Your house gets broken into. Goodbye, week. Goodbye, iPod. Hello, endless phone calls.
2. What to Do When Your Boss Gets Mad About Something Minor Because He’s Had a Stressful Week And You’ve Had the Week from Hell
Shut up at the first sign of annoyance and back slowly out of the office. Avoid total meltdown at all costs. At this point, your sanity is more important than the fact that he’s upset and working on next year’s budget. Hopefully, your work will stand for itself and he’ll remember how many times you’ve come through this year.
3. How to Avoid Being at Mandatory Evening Board Meetings When You Have To Get Up at 5 A.M. to Raise Money For Charity and Already Met at a 3-Hour Lunch the Day Before
Don’t do what I did (go, then try to duck out early) unless you to fall asleep at midnight. Do this instead: Say no. Don’t RSVP. They will have more than enough brains to brainstorm themselves into oblivion. You, however, may be in danger of losing yours.
No matter how hard you try, sometimes life and work just collide, and there’s nothing you can do about it. When this happens, it’s best to just quit worrying about the things you can’t control. Focus on what you can. Prioritize what’s important. Be responsible to do your part, and know you will get through it.
Give More, Grow More, Sleep Better
November 15, 2007
As I recently wrote in response to Penelope’s post on what you do with your time after work, it’s important to continually challenge yourself in new ways. I recall a time in my life when it consisted of little more than the go to work, come home and plop on the couch and watch a few shows, perhaps hang out with my boyfriend, procrastinate on researching for my thesis, and fight the jealousy that he had more friends than me and thus didn’t spend every spare second in my company. It was a tough time. I was pretty miserable, even though I probably looked pretty successful. At 24, I’d purchased my own home, had a growing career at a respected company, and was about to finish my master’s degree. You know, things could have looked a lot worse on the outside. But on the inside, it was pretty much an all-time low.
And then we – my boyfriend and I – did something that expanded our horizons, challenged us, and gave us the opportunity to grow in totally unexpected ways. We joined a new church. We went a few times, and we didn’t like the music, so we wrote it off. Too rock show for us. But we ended up going back. And we kept going, because the community of people there made the effort to connect to us. We even actually started enjoying the music. Then, we volunteered to help with the teenagers. And let me tell you that even though I had worked with youth throughout college, it was a totally different and interesting challenge as a professional. Because, the thing was, these kids pretty much will look up to you no matter what. So it makes you really examine your time. You don’t want to have to tell kids who think you are pretty stinking cool that your hobbies include watching TV, examining your yard each night to see if the new grass is growing, and occasionally tossing in a load of laundry. Too lame, and nothing worth looking up to, which you very much want to be.
So it really made me re-examine my priorities and realize that there were a lot more cool things I should be doing with my time. So I started reading children’s literature again. I also gave up yard work and started this blog. Joined a photography club. Chose only to allow myself to turn on the TV if I had either the jewelry tools in my hands, my laptop on my lap, or my butt on the elliptical. Then, a month or later, I did something even more drastic. I said “yes” when they asked me to take over the band. Now, I have to tell you that music was my life growing up. Then, I arrived a college prepared to major in music and quickly abandoned the idea because I didn’t want to compete with my friends who were musical, so I considered myself over it. A good choice not to major in music, a bad choice to abandon it. But that’s another post for another time. Seven years later, I picked up a microphone for the first time since freshman year to sing for a crowd of 12-17 year olds. Let me just say, that was a major challenge. So is leading a band, which I’d never really done before. But now Wednesday nights are among my favorite. And I find myself saying things like, “we need to pick that up a little,” or “let’s take that one from the top.” And I love it.
Trading my butt-on-couch time for jumping up and down on a stage in front of an energetic, tuned-in crowd of teenagers one night a week may sound like a crazy leap. But it’s one of the best things I’ve done in a long time. Because every week, it stretches me, takes me out of my comfort zone, and reminds me that ultimately, if I’m going to be satisfied, I need to be doing something that’s not just challenging, but that adds value to people. Because as much cool stuff as we do, I don’t think we will ever be fully satisfied until we learn to invest time outside of ourselves and our own interests. It could be mentoring someone at work or an at-risk youth. Maybe it’s joining a volunteer organization or just getting to know a neighbor. Whatever works for you.
Because an amazing thing happens when you start putting yourself in a place that lets you pour into other people’s buckets. Your own gets just a little more full, and you find that you really don’t miss whatever show it was you used to watch, and you fall asleep much faster when you don’t take time to “wind down” for four hours after work, because you’ve lived a really full day.
Challenge yourself, give more, sleep better. Repeat.
